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Comfort Mailing ArchivesEnjoy the comforts shared from earlier mailings. And make sure you don't miss out on any future comforts sent...
Often when I talk to my son, he's just gone on a picnic with his honey. Always with a bottle of wine, a hunk of cheese and some great bread. The pleasure of this simple activity has only just begun to sink in to this "nose to the grindstone" person. I used to do it all the time on the beach, but stopped years ago because it was just easier to eat at the table, near the kitchen. Guess I got old. But just think about it for a minute -- sitting outside, eating fun food with someone you like, in a place that you enjoy. This forced nature break is therapy at it's finest. Of course weather-wise, this has to happen at different times in different parts of the country. If romance isn't on your mind, include the kids or ask a friend. The secret, I've decided, is keeping the fixin's in the frig, because you never know when time and the weather will permit. My start was to buy a special tablecloth for the occasion and keep it in plain view as a reminder. I'm ready!
It happened to me again. I volunteer to do something small because I want to help. Pretty soon I'm spending way more time than I had intended. In fact, my brain is so full of this organization's problems that I haven't had time lately for my first love, writing. And this fact took a long while to sink in. Since community service of some kind is so important for us all to consider, I have a thought that applies no matter how or how much you volunteer your time. Decide on your boundaries BEFORE you say "yes". How much time can you give without compromising you or those you care most about? Doing it ahead might keep you in the beginning from getting overwhelmed in the end.
It's easy to get swept away by a little sunshine if you live in the Pacific Northwest; it's so gray and wet much of the time. The sun is an obvious mood lifter under normal circumstances, but I was reminded recently that grief doesn't care about the weather. The sun doesn't make the pain go away. The death of a loved one is major, but there are many other kinds of losses that you and the people in your life have to cope with all the time. Sadly, sadness is something that people often keep hidden from their friends and family. They don't want to burden others or they don't want anyone to know they can't handle their own life. Profound sadness can be debilitating, so if you know someone who might be coping with a major loss in their life, consider reaching out just to listen. You don't have to solve their problem, they just need someone to hear their pain. A little sunshine might not hurt either.
Blame it on the weather or.... just another version of "the dog ate my homework." This Clue is late because I've been digging weeds and can't pull my eyes away from watching my yard bloom. Here in the Pacific Northwest, where the weather changes every 15 minutes, we wait longingly for spring to hatch. Fabulous sunny days are punctuated with cloudy, windy ones. Or is it the reverse? I've spent so much of my life buried in responsibilities, tasks and emotional stress that I'm now determined to start taking advantage of the natural stress relief of nature. I know it's hard to make flowers and bushes and birdies a priority when you're still commuting, working all day, parenting, tending your house, and scheduling mandatory activities in between. HOWEVER... you might be surprised by the tiny respite from stress you'll get by enjoying a flower or two, even if it's just for five minutes. Better yet is a vase full on the table. Sadly, that usually costs $$$, so look around outside and give your brain a little rest.
Today was "another" wake up call. I was reminded of how important it is to take the time to revel in my fortunes more often. Sadly, I've frequently let accumulating activities and obligations overshadow the value of the friendships in my life. More fallout of a too-busy life. This morning I discovered that a friend had broadcasted a message about my book on Facebook, urging her friends to buy it for Mother's Day. She said, "It's perfect for Mother's Day. Just browsing through the ideas is relaxing." It was to be my next Comfort Clue, but she beat me to it. Couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks, Carol P.
My Comfort Clue anniversary has just passed. Amazingly, my hints for better living have been coming to you for five years now. If you've been with me since the beginning, your life must be all straightened out by now... ha... Making changes when your life is already so busy takes high motivation, but that's what I'm here for. Please consider taking an extra 30 minutes to review past Clues on my website. The simple suggestions I've offered over the last five years is a wild mix: from butt building to bird watching, from grief relief to stashing cash. I've asked you to laugh more, de-clutter, get a better pillow, and be kinder to yourself. It might seem like I'm beating you over the head with it, but my core message--to slow down and simplify-- is the key to easing stress and enjoying your life more.
I know, it's easy. Just put one foot in front of the other. Well, not if you only walk a mile 4 times a week, like I do. I need to get the "biggest bang for my buck". Surprisingly, this means paying attention to what my body's doing pretty much the whole way. Getting better posture and pace has meant changing lots of old habits, which die very very hard. Let's see, chest lifted as if it's being suspended from above, toes pointed straight ahead, shoulders down and relaxed. Keeping my eyes straight ahead, and not looking down at the street, helps keep my chin down and neck better aligned with my spine. A hint about hills: A consistent pace keeps your heart rate up, so if you shorten your stride when you come to an incline, you won't have to slow down. Just like gearing down. Remember how first gear on a bike means pedaling twice as much, but makes the hills easier? After new habits take hold, you can start enjoying the scenery again.
I've harped on clearing your clutter over the years because I believe it's an important step to simplifying your life and reducing stress. Deciding what to do with extra stuff, or even recognizing that it as extra, is difficult. You don't even notice it any more after looking at it for years. There's no doubt that de-cluttering takes effort. And sentimental clutter is hardest of all... to sort through, to part with. The person who gave it to you is dear. Or you feel like getting rid of it is like getting rid of them. Here's another perspective for you to consider: By cluttering your living space with things not pertinent in YOUR life, you are honoring others instead of yourself. One solution is to gather up sentimental favorites and choose a place - maybe a special cabinet or chest. This way you can visit occasionally without having to part ways. Your living space is clearer, but your heart is still intact.
Thank you all for your responses. This I now know for certain: many of you are coping with grief. Unfortunately, like a cold, there's really no way around it. Fortunately, you're not alone; loss is something we all have in common. Most major changes in life carry with them the feeling of loss... of the way it used to be. Adjustment is very hard, but everyone has to eventually cope with this heartache, through the death of moms and dads and children and mates and grandparents and friends and.... beloved pets. This I also know for certain; there are no rules. Everyone deals with grief differently. There is no wrong way to react. The profound sadness might mellow in time, but the memory of "then" can lurk around and suddenly loom like it was yesterday. It might seem frivolous in light of such sadness, but it's been proven: laughter can offer you relief when even one minute counts. I've heard from many grateful friends over the years after I sent them a humorous card in the midst of a really awful time. Consider visiting your local, humorous, greeting card rack. Laughing is mandatory there.
There's a TV show I love called Dirty Jobs. At the end of each episode the guy who gets very down and very dirty, Mike Rowe, asks the audience for more ideas in order to keep the show going. My Comfort Clues are coming up on their 5th year, and I often wonder if they are hitting home with most of you. My goal has always been to help you get more pleasure out of life, which usually involves simplifying, slowing down and de-stressing. To that end, I follow Mike's lead. "I've thrown out 123 ideas over the past 5 years, but I'm sure there is some important stuff I've overlooked. The only way I can help you with your stuff is for you to let me know what your stuff is. Write to me with your ideas. We want to keep this show going!"
Media hype insists we couple. This overblown emphasis makes those of us without loving relationships to celebrate feel extra lonely as the sea of red hearts start to close in this week. I have a single friend who told me recently that it was the worst day of the year for him. Maybe you can think of a neighbor or someone you know who would appreciate a personal pick-me-up... a card, phone call, or a spontaneous visit. Valentine's Day automatically reminds us how important love is in our lives, but the emphasis on romance is only part of the story. Remember to let your children, grandchildren, mom&dad, or close friend know how much they mean to you. Even if you think the people you cherish know how you feel -- and they might not -- it feels so good to be reminded. There are more people than you realize who feel alone.
Here's a practical tip that will make your kitchen life easier. I know you "cooks" will be resistant, but many of us don't have the time, don't want to spend the time, or are suffering from kitchen burn out. I saw a sign on a restaurant once, "We give our chef a night off once a week. Doesn't your wife deserve the same?" and the sentiment stuck with me. Get-Your- Own Night" started in our home when my children were teenagers, and it's still my kitchen credo. The idea is for everyone to fend for themselves one night a week. This works better if you keep leftovers in the frig; however, there's always fruit, nuts, cheese, cereal, or the can opener to get creative with. Start as young as you want, but remember to keep an open mind about what your 8-year old is concocting. Know what I'm saying?
I am borderline computer literate and still panic when something goes wrong. Twice in the last month MS Word quit suddenly and I lost documents I had spent hours creating. Grrrr... My solution recently was to join a local User Group. Even small towns have groups of super geeks who live and breathe computers, and love a glitch to ponder. This challenge to them is like candy to you. The harder the better. Even if you're solid in your knowledge but would like to connect with other geniuses, there's probably a User Group close by. My wonderful group has graciously saved my hide many times. Two things to remember before you go: There are no stupid questions, and "Save early. Save often."
Another new year is looming. I try to set Jan. 1 apart in my mind because seeing it as a beginning gives me hope that things just might get better from then on. Dec. 31 could be like garbage day. You've been bagging it up for 12 months and it finally gets hauled away. Symbolically, the new year is a chance to start fresh, like when you cross off the last chore on your list. Whew! It's sooo easy to get stuck in doing life as usual that I challenge you to change SOMETHING next year, just so you'll know you're moving forward. My own change will be to stop doing so many things that I don't really want to do. My own life is full of that.
I'm sleeping better than I have in years these days and can definitely tell the difference. I'm thinking more clearly, more creatively, and feeling less stress. Getting enough sleep will do wonders in helping you deal with the potential stresses of this holiday month. Here's what I did: totally cleaned/de-cluttered my bedroom, painted it a soft relaxing color, and hung something on the wall that makes me smile first thing in the morning. Your bedroom is the most important room in the house, so try looking at it with new eyes... ones that see a room for sleeping and libido ONLY. That means removing the TV, the computer, and getting rid of your beloved "stuff". It's work, but it's worth it. Oh, don't forget to wash that scuzzy pillow.
In keeping with the spirit of the holiday ahead, I want to take this opportunity to thank you all for joining my Comfort Clue group. Thank you for joining those of us who strive to improve the quality of our lives through easy, do-able, baby steps. Changing the way you've done things for years is hard, but regular reminders make it easier. My goal is to help you buck the trend of mind-numbing busyness that you're surrounded by most of the time. It's so darn easy to get caught up in it. Sending you Clues every two weeks is my way of keeping you on track, nudging you inch by inch toward making positive changes so you can start enjoying your life more. Hope it's workin' for ya!
I love to dance and am often surprised by my own stamina on the dance floor. I've given this a lot of thought lately and have come up with my very own acronym, REVSS. Rest, Exercise, Vittles, Stress, Slowdown. I occasionally hear comments about looking younger than I am, so I've whittled down my own good health to these five elements. Improved mental clarity after a good night's sleep proves to me that adequate rest is vital. I'm faithful to an exercise regimen, go light on sweets and fat, and work at reducing stress wherever I can. Slowing down is a huge factor, both in the speed at which you do every task AND in the pace of your life in general. I know that all of this is easier said than done, especially if your life is full to the brim, and your hectic lifestyle defines the word "busy". But if you value your own body and peace of mind, consider revving up with REVSS. Cute, huh?
I know, I know. I'm like a dog working a favorite old bone. My bone? "Get rid of your stuff." I repeat this subject because it's so important to the quality of your life. I rank it third behind a good night's sleep, good eats, and exercise. Or, could be because my own stuff never seems to go away for long. I worry that it breeds. I have yet to meet anyone who doesn't have more than they actually use, so I know it's hard to subtract. A nap looks mighty good after the mental drain of the decision-making it takes to "let go" of all your beloved stuff. But think about the many reasons that make de-cluttering worthwhile: Recycling to others via thrift shops and gifting is a way of giving back; Storage spaces aren't as crammed and jammed; There's less dust to breathe in and to remove; Finding something is easier; More elbow room around your living space is freeing; And, most importantly, the mental lift is surprising.
In helping to plan a Halloween dance this year, it became apparent to me how much our fun sides decline as we get older. I'm surprised by the number of people who have refused to come because they have to wear a costume. Isn't that the funnest part? When did they become so staid and self-conscious? I've given it a lot of thought and have come to this conclusion: we're all either taking ourselves too seriously, or the busyness we've adopted as our lifestyles is choking the playfulness right out of us. I challenge you to re-evaluate and re-activate that lighthearted approach to life you once had. Retrieve your child. Ignite your passion.
I have a friend who travels frequently, and I take her to the bus that goes to the airport. She kept apologizing for any 7:00am departures until I asked her to reverse roles. Would she mind taking ME to the bus at 7:00am? Her answer? "Of course not." Consider all the times you could use help but don't ask because you don't want to seem weak, incapable, or to inconvenience anyone. Then reverse roles in your mind... and be kind. Think about how great you feel when you help someone out and give someone else the chance to experience that satisfaction. Learning to be a better receiver by accepting help will mean fewer backaches, more free time and, surprisingly, closer relationships.
A visit from a couple of young children this weekend reminded me how important it is to keep up with what's new in kidland. Without children in the house - from tots to teens - it's easy to lose touch with current trends and passions. This is important. People of a certain age commonly grumble about, and put down, new things that interest a younger generation than themselves. Living in the past is easy to come by no matter what your stage of life. For instance, young parents look back fondly at the freedom they had before babies, but weep when those same children get old enough to drive off to college. All of us are continually moving from one stage to the next, but I've noticed a difference in the mental, physical and emotional health of people who are accepting and tolerant of the changes they see. Change happens. And whether the stage that's passed for you is "Whew, it's finally over!" or one you hate to see go, change is inevitable. Accepting it seems to bring a certain vibrancy to mind and body. Embracing instead of begrudging it is guaranteed to curb some of those pesky wrinkles. 33
I've tried everything. Garage sales, classifieds, Craig's List, friends, and in the end... endless storage in the garage. And I discovered long ago that my children don't really want my "leftovers," no matter how wonderful I think they are. There is no doubt, releasing stuff you no longer need is hard, but I harp on de-cluttering because there's no denying the mental health benefits of simplifying your environment. A friend's comment this week hit me, "I consider donating to the thrift shop as doing my part in giving back to the community. It's my charity contribution." I've always loved thrift stores. Whereas I've always been grateful for the great stuff someone else donated, when it comes to parting with something I no longer need, I'm forever trying to get some money back. But think about it. If you paid $235 for a desk 20 years ago, you got to use it for $11.75 per year. If you apply this thinking to everything, just think how much easier it'll be to let someone else enjoy it for 20 more. Try looking around. Maybe you can give back, while making your own life simpler.
This is a difficult Clue to write; I suspect I'm wasting my breath. After all, what woman do you know who DOESN'T color her hair? In creating Clues to help simplify the lives of the women on my mailing list, I reflected on how much time and money we spend over the years spraying, moussing, perming, blowing, curling, coloring, and whining. The fortune I've spent could have financed my own new car instead of my beautician's. I hit the wall, and my decision to stop was difficult but oh so freeing. Bucking current fashion seems like a huge risk, but ask yourself What's wrong with my own, natural hair? Or why is gray so bad? And why aren't men so obsessed about their hair? The fretting and fawning and constant threat of bad hair days is mostly over for me. I do still control that wild animal look with mousse, but I'm happily amassing a gorgeous collection of barrettes and such. By the way, there's a reason pony tails were invented.
Do you watch while the blank spaces in your home automatically fill up over the years? This spawning is so gradual that you hardly notice until.... bam, you're surrounded by "stuff". In trying to find a couple of AA batteries in the junk drawer last week, I came across a clever hand held device I bought 8 years ago to shave those little pills off a favorite sweater. Now I ask you, who REALLY needs this? Multiply this find times 100 and.... you see the problem. Experts say that the clutter surrounding you every day is stealing the energy you need to live a better life. I know downsizing is hard. I've tried it before. Letting go of possessions is a mental tug-o-war, but worth it. I started small, with one drawer, but I feel better already. When I closed that organized drawer I felt like taking a deep breath. See for yourself.
Whenever the subject of exercising comes up, it inevitably includes the word "should". Maybe because the whole idea seems bigger than it needs to be. For years I've just been walking down the hall to a spare room or spare space for half an hour 4 days a week.... in my pajama bottoms and t-shirt. Then I get dressed and walk around the neighborhood for 20 min. Wed. and weekends are off so boredom doesn't set in, and my routine varies. Mon. and Thur. are for upper body. Tues. and Fri., lower. A bench and a few hand weights line the wall, but even those aren't necessary. Secrets that makes exercising easier: back strengthening is a priority; doing every movement slowly, both up AND down, means fewer reps (less time, yea!); and don't skip unless you absolutely have to. Small effort brings big changes. Amazingly, this Steady Eddie routine has made me stronger than I was 30 years ago.
I often wonder what would happen if Father's Day was treated with half the media hoopla and respect as Mother's Day. After all, they're such experts at manipulating public opinion. While it's true that moms usually take a more active role in child rearing, maybe raising the public bar would initiate a new mindset for us all and help men feel more valued in their parenting role. This catalyst might be all it takes for them to step into that nurturing role more often. I don't know, just dreaming..... Even though they hide their emotions more, I think dads want pretty much the same thing as moms: to know they matter to the children in their lives. All your dad wants to know is that you're thinking about him.
I know you can't all do this, but hear me out. It's something that I never thought would work myself. I had a favorite oil painting of my aunt's years ago and no where to hang it in the house. It finally got hung it on the porch so visitors could then enjoy it when they rang the bell. Little did I know. 15 years in the elements has not harmed it one bit, and all it needs is a dusting every year. I recently moved and it fits nicely on my new porch, this time opposite the kitchen window so it's visible from the sink. Visitors over the years have been amazed and welcomed by my porch art. Maybe you have something similar to welcome your guests with, or to perk up the otherwise mundane task of washing dishes. (Not a delicate watercolor, of course.) There is now something that makes me smile every morning when I open my blinds. I'll be trying another piece out in the protected part of the back patio next.
All over the U.S. this coming Monday, we will remember. Not only about the soldiers we've lost, but about all those other deaths we've had to live through over the years: moms and dads and grandparents and kids and mates and friends and, the list is endless. Adjustment to major loss is so hard, but this I know for sure; there are no rules. Oh, the profound sadness mellows in time, but the memory of "then" can sometimes loom like it was yesterday. If Memorial Day bring anguish for you, but you also want to honor your loved ones, here's an idea to try. Set a time limit ahead of time. "I will spend 30 minutes tomorrow remembering, wallowing, or weeping." Five minutes if the pain is too great. The trick is to decide ahead of time, so it'll be easier to switch emotional gears when the time comes. Good luck and... remember to remember.
For those of you who were not on my Comfort Clue mailing list last year, I want to repeat it again this year. Besides I like it myself. If you're lucky enough to still have your mom, don't forget to connect this Sunday, if possible, with the woman who's responsible for your being here. If you're a mom, celebrate yourself for your most spectacular achievement so far--making another human being or two. Then, do whatever you love to do for the day. If you're a dad, make sure your wife takes a recess from her responsibilities and just plays. I know this gets complicated what with divorces, step children, single parenting and such, but you know what I'm saying. Being pampered is the ultimate! Getting your consideration will mean the world because it lets her know she's valued.
It's been the hardest lesson of my life, paying attention. I mean REALLY paying attention. Oh, I thought I was all along, but I realize now that I was constantly either thinking ahead to the NEXT thing, or about what already happened. Here's what I know for sure: paying attention to the moment you're in, the task or concern at hand, is nearly impossible when your brain is sooo full of thoughts all fighting for attention at the same time. You just can't think straight. I know that the social pressure to cram your life with stuff and activities is staggering, and also very tempting. Try this: Picture your desk after a month of dumping mail on it every day. Pretty soon it's a jumbled mess and you can' find anything. The only answer is to start subtracting papers until you can find, and focus, on one at a time. Now picture your brain piled high with stuff to think about. Get it? Time to start subtracting.
This time, instead of helping you, I'm asking that you help me. After four years of creating ways you could improve YOUR lifestyle through Comfort Clues, I'd appreciate you telling someone you know about them. By now you must've implemented a few choice changes into your own life and would be a great advocate. All 102 past Clues are archived on my website, so anyone interested can review them before they sign up. You'd be helping them AND me. Ya know, pass it forward. It'll just take a minute!
Groan, another potluck, another stomach ache. When will I learn. Luckily it was a small gathering. But still, with all that great food laid out in front of you, what's a person to do? It's like my brain shuts down and my arm gets stuck in "reach mode". I know that being aware is half the battle-- with any changes you're trying to make--so I'm hoping next time not to be such a glutton. Although, I've heard more than once that it takes being exposed 21 times to something before it really sinks in. I'm living proof, with my perpetual potluck predicament.
You probably don't think it's a big deal that last night, or last week, or your whole life, you laid awake for hours with your brain still buzzing. If you get used to going through your days on 5 hours of sleep, you wouldn't notice anything wrong. They say that the majority of us are sleep deprived and I can prove it. The difference in my mental state after a full night's sleep is huge. Simply put, I see the world differently. I'm in a better mood, calmer, and more positive about everything. Solutions actually start pop into my head and I have more patience. These noticeable changes prove to me the importance of sleep, of adequately resting my body and brain every single day. I try to remember that my bedroom is the most important room in the house and that sleep has to be it's main focus. A great pillow, soothing color, no tv, no computer, and great piece of art to wake up to. Flowers on the dresser would be good, but that's harder to remember. And cost too much if you don't have your own garden. I know that change is harder when you have young children or major worries using up all your energy but, trust me, moving "sleep" up on your priority list will be worth it.
It's hard to keep your spirits up these days. (I have a house for sale. Tell me about it.) And the feeding frenzy of TV news just fuels the fire. Think about this: The way you START the day can set the tone for the rest of it, so it makes sense that starting off in a funk might mean staying there longer. For your own sanity, think about a newsfast and music. Lately I've been replacing TV news and my usual rushing around with music that's barely there, my current favorite, Essence by Peter Kater. Sitting still and listening to this for 10 min. in the morning has been incredibly calming. Apparently brain chaos begs to be interrupted with a rest, however brief, because ideas and solutions sometimes just pop into my head. And worries often seem smaller. I know time is hard to come by in the morning with work or children or the chores and worries vying for your attention, but can you possibly get up 10 min. earlier? It's worth a try. With this, my 100th clue, I want to thank you all for joining my lifestyle journey.
It's great to have a designated time to celebrate our love for one another, but the emphasis on romantic love this Sat. is only a fraction of the story. Don't forget to let your children, grandchildren, mom&dad, and close friends know how much they mean to you. Even if you think the people you cherish know how you feel--and they might not--it feels good to be reminded. Also, there are more people than you realize who feel alone. Media hype insists we couple, which can make those without loving relationships to celebrate feel extra lonely as the sea of red hearts start to close in this week. Maybe you can think of a neighbor or someone you know who would appreciate a personal pick-me-up... through a card, a phone call, or a spontaneous visit. Surprise them and make their day!
Walking is common. You've been doing it since you were one, so what's to know when you're doing it for exercise? Well, walking to get your heart rate up is different than walking for pleasure. It's hard not to get distracted by people and birds and flowers in bloom, but that's a separate walk. Walking for your heart and calorie burn takes focus at first. I've been making much more progress since I started thinking about what I was doing instead the brainwork that came automatically, like planning the day ahead or mulling over yesterday. When my brain was engaged my eyes gravitated down to the street in front of my feet instead straight ahead. And when my head was pitched downward, my chest followed, giving me that slumpy look. The biggest surprise was a nuance that's important; walking forward "into" your stride feels different than flopping your feet out first, which is usual strolling mode. Lastly, consider your shoes. Personally, I always buy running shoes because of the lighter weight and heel cushioning. Good luck on your next walk!
I've actually clocked it. The difference in time it takes me to do something in a hurry vs. doing it slowly is miniscule. I've discovered over the years that the results of moving fast and efficiently is merely an illusion that ends up feeding migraines, anger, crankiness, and lots of mishaps. Basically, hasting and wasting. Everyone's seen it -- the car that's dodging in and out of traffic to get there before you ends up two cars ahead at the signal. Same principle applies to most everything, and benefits are profound. Here's some significant results in my own life: slower kitchen work means fewer cuts, burns, and broken dishes; slower movements in weight exercise builds bigger muscles; more thoughtful paperwork means fewer mistakes at work; slower driving means, well, you know; the list goes on. Most of all, moving fast through your life creates mega stress for you AND your family. When that subsides, your brain relaxes and starts thinking more clearly, about everything. What's amazing is that you suddenly notice stuff you never saw when your brain was flooded with so much time pressure. This is important.
If you've been with me since the beginning--Comfort Clues began in Mar '05--your lives must be all straightened out by now. haha. You have been taking them seriously, haven't you? Amazingly, Clue #100 is approaching along with the end of my 4th year. Before starting fresh in '09 next week, consider taking the time to visit the Clue archive page on my website. Rereading clues from the beginning will refresh your motivation to improve your life. The simple suggestions I've offered over the last 4 years is an eclectic mix: from butt building to bird watching, from grief relief to stashing cash. I've asked you to volunteer, de-clutter, get a better pillow, and to soak in the silence more often. Though there are lots of tidbits to contemplate, through it all, my core message remains--slowing down and simplifying is key to less stress and more pleasure in your life.
It's a paradox but true: helping others helps YOU. The satisfaction of making someone else's life better, plus that time off your own worries feels fabulous. "Friends and family" is a familiar phrase. All those scenes of friends clinking and laughing together. All those smiling relatives exchanging gifts on Christmas morning. But not everyone has family that can or even wants to spend time together. Not everyone has friends that gather round. Media make it look like everyone is enjoying these heartfelt moments, but real people often feel very alone. If you know anyone whose spirits seem to going downward this month, or who might have experienced a major loss this year, consider reaching out somehow. You may be crazy-busy lately, but feeling alone is magnified when you're literally bulldozed by that media message. Making their season better will make your season better. And... for those of you with young children, remember that Santa is a stranger, and thrusting young children into that stranger's lap — to be hugged — can be frightening. For your children's sake, consider asking them first, or at least respect their reluctance and back off. Santa shots are not mandatory.
Those of us in the U.S. are about to eat our way through another symbolic day of celebration for all that we are thankful for in our lives. I'm jumping the gun here by thanking you for joining those of us who seek, as Hugh Prather so brilliantly put it, "... a better way to go through life than kicking and screaming." We all need reminders to keep moving forward, and mine is sitting down every two weeks to creative for you another small change that will make a positive difference in your life. This commitment to you helps me stay on the track of how I want my own life to go. Hopefully, my Clues do the same for you, and we can continue going in the same direction together.
Whew, the election media blitz/hype/bs is done, or almost. Now the focus bounces back to our own little worlds. For lots of us, that means worry about money and how we're going to pay the bills. For sure, the economy looks dismal. But the optimist in me is convinced that the constant media drama and exaggerations make everything look more desperate that it really is. Fingers crossed. Here's a reminder I concocted for whenever my life seemed to be falling apart, "The magnitude of my own problems seems to grow according to how much time I spend thinking about them, and myself." Try giving your anxious brain a little break by regularly forcing it to focus on something, or someone, else for 5 short minutes. Hard to believe, but even this tiny break can ease the stress.
Take a deep breath and get ready. It's easy to let the stress of trying to do too much cancel out the fun and joy in the season ahead. I've missed a lot over the years being caught up in doing it all just "right". Here's a little jump-start to practice: choose one thing in your life to do slower. Just one. You'll be surprised at what a difference a couple minutes make to your brain and blood pressure. If you like the way this feels, a significant lifestyle change is beginning. Here are some simple areas for you to consider lingering longer in: preparing a meal, exercising, eating breakfast, driving to work, doing dishes, grocery shopping, reading to your children or just listening to them longer. Busyness and rushing around usually take away from experiencing fully the moment you're in right now.
My son said something recently that hit home, "We don't see our friends much anymore. We're in our own little world." It's so easy to get enveloped by what needs to be done every day, especially if you're still raising children, working, and trying to keep up with the laundry. Pretty soon the months are gone and your social life with it. Pretty soon you're a chore-robot who's more alone than they want to be. If we all stay in our own little worlds, we risk killing that spark. Socializing fuels fun and laughter, relieves boredom, expands supportive networks, and fosters light-bulb moments that help you cope better with stress. Loneliness and depression have increased dramatically since everyone started letting busyness rule their lives. The need for human interaction doesn't go away just because your minutes are filled, and the months ahead are the perfect time to regroup. When's the last time you asked someone over for... whatever?
I'm about to upgrade my computer.... again. I'm not some super-geek that needs to keep up with the latest and greatest. I'm just your average e-mail, family photo, internet browsing kind of gal. There's the rub, the internet. My computer (not that old, mind you) isn't fast enough now for the size and complexity of modern sites. Same story every few years; I resist, then call "uncle" while humbly handing over my plastic to an brilliant 20-something who runs rings around my lame tech brain. So much grief could've been saved by just accepting the inevitable in the first place and going with the flow... of progress, or whatever changes in your life that you have to make, but don't especially like. Acceptance is always good for your blood pressure. Resistance, after all, is futile.
You all like to kiss, right? Then here's something to ponder: applying the concept to the rest of your life will give you more time to indulge. Keeping It Simple (KIS) enhances all aspects of your life. Up to your eyeballs in commitments, activities, and possessions automatically pushes your own personal priorities to the back burner. Relationships in your life get pushed back so often that it becomes the norm: less family time, less friend time, less time taking care of yourself. Yes, and even... perhaps... less kissing time.
Potlucks are the death of me. Really, can a sane person NOT hang out longer than is polite when the table's filled with an irresistible array of temptations? I'm reminded often lately how hard it is to resist food that is staring up at you. It takes resolve. It takes major commitment. It takes moving health and well-being to the top of your priority list, and that's tough when your life is brimming with busyness. This is probably true wherever you live, as long as food is abundant. But I think it helps a lot to have a reminder occasionally. That's why you have me. Personally, I get nuts when my weakness - Doritos - is in the kitchen. I can't stop, sometimes resorting to a spoon for end-of-bag crumbs. However, I seldom think about chips unless I can see them, so the solution seems logical - don't buy them in the first place. Easy to say. This technique only works if you religiously stick to your list, don't shop on an empty stomach, and avoid THAT aisle (whichever one is YOUR personal weakness) like the plague. Consider getting the food outta your face, saving your favorites for special occasions only. So... grit your teeth, grip your list, and enter your local kingdom of calories.
I'm back. I'm amazed. My first cruise ever woke me up to a word I've never attached to myself before, "complacency". Climbing into my own bed after a week on this huge floating hotel made me realize how great I already had it at home. No matter where you live, it seems like life's mandatory activities can fill just about every calendar square if you let them. My own busyness has kept me from appreciating the very neighborhood/town that I'm fortunate enough to live in. A new term popped up for me recently on a program about climbing gas prices, "stay-cation", and I'm a believer. The huge expense and constant activity aboard AND off the ship, help me to redefine the word "vacation" to include staying at home. I mean, think of 7 whole days of sleeping in and doing whatever you want every day. You wouldn't have to pack or spend or guard your belongings. When my children were young we often took them to Grandma's for a few days and then.... went home. Just being alone was the stress buster we needed. Now, maybe you aren't crazy about where you live and have no choice but to get away from the chaos, but there are lots of ideas floating around on making the most of your own place. This year I challenge you to find a few. You'll be richer for it.
'Scuse me for being excited. In two days I embark on my very first cruise and my lack of stress and frenetic planning is, in fact, freaking my husband out. Why, just now hit me: It's the first vacation ever where the responsibility of the planning wasn't up to me. This miracle happened because we were invited to accompany someone else on their vacation. This relief, along with knowing I won't have to make any decisions (or cook) for an entire week, is just now sinking in and reminds me of something I've believed for a long time: it's the zillion decisions in our lives that are killing us. In fact, a morning of decisions back-to-back sometimes requires a nap around here. Try this experiment: plan a day without ANY decisions and see how it feels. I swear its the constant deciding what to do, what to buy, what to say, etc. that silently feeds our stress levels. If a day can't happen for you without them, maybe you can trade off that burden with someone else in your household. Once you feel that relief, you'll know that something in your life needs to change. Good luck.
I've fought it for years but giving it up at last. I'm finally listening to my own brain as far as how to dress everyday. You actually can teach an old dog new tricks, so the mental tug o' war is over. Lucky me, I have a choice because I don't have to go off to work every morning. The urge to conform to the norm, looking a certain "expected" way, has been strong all my life. This has meant, basically, dressing for everyone else but myself when I'm not in the work mode. The truth is I love everything casual, especially in clothes. Casual is friendlier. Soft and comfortable, and definitely more approachable. Lady shoes hurt. Hose are hot. And the fabrics of "nice" clothes are often stiff and ill fitting. Maybe this description fits you. Even if you're the opposite and love to dress up, you might be stuck in that pleasing-everyone-but-yourself frame of mind. Consider giving yourself permission to simply be yourself. And what you choose to put in your closet is a great way to start. I can still look nice in a casual kind of way, right?
Even though most men I've met mostly poopoo all the fuss, I still believe that being appreciated still ranks high on their emotional radar -- even though they need prodding to admit it. Moms and dads both want pretty much the same thing: to know they matter to the children in their lives. If you have a decent relationship with your dad, a simple phone call is all it takes! If you're a dad, pat yourself on the back for raising such fine younguns. If you're a mom with kids still at home, maybe they can help you make his favorite meal tonight.
If you live in my part of the world, summer vacation is about to begin. Losing track of this fact is easy when you're beyond those child rearing years. But the absence of yellow buses, and hearing the chatter of children in the middle of the day, takes me back to all their excitement -- AND BOREDOM -- of freer days for weeks on end. Unless the young children in your neighborhood are all at daycare, be on the lookout for errant balls rolling into the street, and the kids who run after them. Expect more whining, more giggles from nearby parks, or more visits from grandchildren. Grab a seat and enjoy the constant floor show of teens jabbering through the halls of malls everywhere. Lift your nose from its grindstone and use this built-in opportunity to enliven your rut. And... remember that my book is a great summertime read.
Packing up to move has given a new meaning to my uphill battle of simplification. I started filling boxes two weeks ago, with the stuff I wouldn't need for a couple. Surprise, surprise. Other than the dish I needed to contribute a peach cobbler to a potluck, I haven't missed a thing--and the box pile is already high. If you're like me, and watch while the blank spaces in your home automatically fill over the years, take note. The accumulation is so gradual that you hardly notice... until, that is, you read all about clutter and how it can suck the life right out of you... about how it keeps stress levels high. The book, Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui, helped me get a grip years ago. It gave me a new, important, perspective on how all that extra stuff surrounding me every day was stealing the energy I needed to live a better life. Downsizing is hard. Letting go of your possessions is a mental tug-o-war, but worth the ease it brings.
We're moving soon, and the endless list of tasks I need to accomplish has me re-evaluating the general busyness that's defined my life for so many years. Next month's celebration in the U.S. of Motherhood is an ideal time to start on a new path that allows more time for the highest priority of all, family. If you're like me, here's our start: Connect, if possible, with your mom on May 11th so she knows for sure you're thinking about her. If you're a mom, celebrate yourself for your most spectacular achievement so far--making another human being or two. Then, do whatever you love to do for the day. If you're a dad, make sure your wife takes a recess from her responsibilities and just plays. Being pampered is the ultimate! Getting your consideration will mean the world because it lets her know she's valued. And remember that my book, "A Patchwork of Comforts" is an ideal Mother's Day gift. It's comforting, entertaining, and will give her some great relaxation ideas to try out.
It's been three years since I first had my Comfort Clue inspiration, and I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you for joining the "club". I hope that these periodic hints on simple ways to grow and to improve the quality of your life have made some little difference in the way you're going through yours by now. I'd love it if you'd take a minute to tell me how. Having an anonymous mailing list is kinda cool since I get to reach people from as far away as India, Africa and South America, as well as 38 of the United States. Thanks again for your loyalty, and may the next Clue give you another great idea to integrate into your life!
Hang it and they will come. A bird feeder, that is. The better weather ahead gives you a chance to notice the birds and their carefree ways. Pausing to watch this bit of nature is a great way to interrupt the escalating intensity of "being busy every minute." Their cute little pecking, peeping, and splashing is an automatic reminder to simplify life. Can you image having only 3 things to attend to (eating, bathing and avoiding predators), instead of the 93 things you think of every day? Feeders come in all shapes and sizes so you can hang or perch it somewhere within visual range of a kitchen or living room window. Better yet, somewhere in line with a chair, so you can pause longer than one minute. And if you have a yard, adding a bird bath completes the picture... and doubles your pleasure.
I've been having little kitchen accidents lately. My dentist scolded that I wasn't flossing good enough then showed me pictures of what could happen to my gums. Yeow! These two events may seem unrelated, but I put them together recently after reading a couple of books on "paying more attention to what you're doing" or, as authors Tolle and Hanh put it, living in the now. Being mindful is a simple concept, but a habit that's so hard to develop. Like most busy people, I do everything in my life just to get it done so I can move on to my next obligation, but changing this habit starts a chain reaction; focusing more fully on the task at hand, forces you to slow down because now you notice more details of your activity. Slowing down not only leads to a more thorough job, but produces a calmer mind that thinks more clearly. This reduces stress and better decisions. Once again, small changes produce huge results. A simple task like flossing slowly, with intention (avoiding eventual black gums with teeth falling out!), has made a huge difference in my mouth and to my dentist. Slowing down and paying more attention in the kitchen has meant fewer broken glasses and less blood on the cutting board. Just think of the possibilities!
Valentine's Day. I'm always torn between ignoring it and going whole hog. On the one hand I appreciate having a designated time to celebrate our love for one another. In a busy life it's easy to start taking each other for granted. This year my husband surprised me by actually making a reservation 2 WEEKS AGO at a fancy restaurant. I am sooo lucky! On the other hand, what about those who are alone, without any loving relationship or friendship to celebrate? Since media hype insists that we're SUPPOSED to couple, this could be a time of feeling extra lonely for them. Maybe you can think of someone you know who would appreciate a personal pick-me-up... through a card, a phone call, or a hug. Maybe you can surprise them and make their day!
It started with 3 tuna cans and a recycling nudge from the town I live in. I was in a hurry one night and didn't feel like washing the cans out. They'd really stink up the recycle bag if I didn't, so all 3 went into the garbage. That was 5 days ago, and I'm still feeling that guilty twinge. To clarify, I live on an island where recycling is crucial for long term livability. You might say that my tuna incident is what pushed me into registering for the island's annual environmental workshop next month, whereI passed on "Creosote Awareness", opting instead for "Living in Harmony with Nature". This is just my little wake up call; if your town doesn't support recycling, you can always start by putting less into your garbage can, like using cloth napkins instead of paper. Granted, washing out cans won't make your kitchen life any easier, but doing something for the planet--no matter where you live on it--might help you feel better about yourself.
I start '08 with my yearly challenge to you: to improve your life in some way next year. It takes time to assimilate new habits, so I suggest picking some small thing to work on at a time. Start with something kind of trivial to practice. If you actually mark your calendar with the changes you've accomplished, you can give yourself mental gold stars or favorite personal treats as proof that you are at least capable of change... and that you're moving your life in the right direction. Consider taking more of my bi-monthly hints to heart by at least giving them a try.
It's the end of another Comfort Clue year and I want to thank you for joining those of us who want, as Hugh Prather so brilliantly put it, to find "... a better way to go through life than kicking and screaming." We all need reminders to keep us moving forward, and mine is sitting down every two weeks to present you with another small change that might make a positive difference in your life. This automatic reminder has helped me develop a broader perspective of how I want my own life to go, and I hope my Clues do the same for you. My new year wish for you is that you'll try a change or two in '08 that will improve the way you see the world around you.
One sure way to comfort yourself, and make the holidays more satisfying, is to comfort someone else. For many of us, this time of year isn't all about smiling faces, warm fuzzy feelings, or TV images of friends clinking glasses with cheer. If you know someone who is having a hard time lately, maybe it's because they suffered some kind of a loss this year and this is their first Christmas since. Grieving isn't always about death; there are many things that we develop a deep attachment to over the years, so eventually we have to face other losses that throw us for a loop — our health, our independence, a great job or house, a meaningful relationship, a pet or even a dream. Showing someone you know that you understand, and acknowledging their sadness, might help keep them afloat until the hoopla is over.
I caught myself doing it again this morning -- starting out with a mental list of what I have to accomplish today. This is wrong. I recently vowed to give myself one day a week of doing what I want to do, not what I should do. The list of obligations that you try to keep up with will never end so what does it matter that if you insert a time of relaxation. Work mode mentality is a hard habit to break, but your body and brain need a rest from life's pressures. I have the luxury of designating half a day on Wednesdays just because I can, but if you work full time, have children, or a demanding job, choices are fewer. For your own sanity, consider working out a regularly scheduled play-date with yourself. Even an hour gives your pleasure hormones a chance to spread.
This year I want to reach beyond my own little world of the U.S. Thanksgiving. I once attempted, naively, to stop at Safeway the day before turkey day. Ohmigosh, I never dreamed the enormity of it all. Imagine that huge parking lot completely full... and inside? The food frenzy rendered me speechless. Since then, I've been mulling over this "much ado" and have finally started changing my mindset about the whole thing. My little town happens to have a giant potluck on this day. The food will be way better than I could ever conjure up, and more voices always enhances the celebration. I've known lots of women who dread this time of year because of the pressure to cook up a feast for a table full of family and friends. The pressure to conform is huge. When you make plans this month, consider simplifying your life by weaning your social circle on to a new way... maybe by volunteering at, or participating in, a public gathering. It'll mean much less kitchen work and might even allow the "thanks" to creep back into the day.
Here's a little trick that offers a big reward. When my children were about 8 and 12, I started stashing a 10 or 20 dollar bill every week in an envelop... in a beautiful box... in the back of my underwear drawer. After a year or so, I called everyone to the kitchen table and splayed my bills across the table, explaining what I'd secretly done for the past year, and that now we got to decide how we wanted to spend it. It felt like free money by now and was a gift to us all! The glee on my children's faces, and the astonishment on my husband's, is vivid even today. I remember so well the secret satisfaction of filling that envelop, especially the times when I got to exchange the small bills for 100's. Just a painless, squirrelly, idea on lightening up your life. Any amount works the same magic.
It all started when I looked for an e-mail I got a month ago. What did I do with it? Between the often ill-named files I'd set up to organize myself, the junking of spam, and the long list still existing in my inbox, I never did find it. Oh, the time I wasted looking. My new, "early" resolution falls back on advice a supervisor once gave me, back in the snail mail days, "Handle every piece of paper only once. Act on it, file it, or trash it right then." She was, of course, talking about the mailman variety, but it's sage advice for anything in your life that accumulates. Keep on it or it'll choke ya.
If you have a schedule to keep, it's natural to get up and get going as quick as you can. All you can think about is getting out the door. But setting the tone for the day is important because it steers your brain into a certain mindset. Here's an idea that'll take 1 of your morning minutes: start off by putting on some relaxing music first thing. Beginning with the news or harried silence or snappy demands of your family just points you in the wrong direction for the rest of the day, kind of tense and humorless. I know it's hard to think about playing music when you're in a hurry to get out the door or to get the kids off to school, but the mood around the house--and in your own mind--will be better. Guaranteed.
The transition from summer vacation to the school year is different for those of us without children; changes in our seasons revolve mostly around rotating clothes. Activities will soon start filling the calendar, and thoughts will slowly turn to Halloween costumes, turkey gatherings, and mail order catalogues. Even though tee shirts and shorts is MY outfit of choice, I try to be positive about the change. If you feel a certain dread when your favorite season winds down, try my own mental trick by repeating, "Oh boy, a new season. Change is a good thing." Say it more than once if you have to. Rotate tablecloths to welcome the new season into your home, watch out for school buses, and DON'T, I beg you, fill every calendar square with activities and obligations like you did last year. Those of you outside our US calendar might not identify with our Labor Day weekend, but you get the idea. Resistance to change is, of course, futile.
The reasons to keep annoyances, resentments and sadnesses to yourself seem so sensible. You don't want to look foolish. You're afraid of possible reactions. You don't want to hurt the feelings of someone you love. How ironic that the favor you think you're doing them just keeps them in the dark longer. Not "bothering" them makes sure they keep doing whatever bugs you, and they'll never really know what matters to you most. If you don't already, consider letting those special someones into your private thoughts and feelings as you have them. It hard to achieve a calmer, more enjoyable life when jaws and shoulders and emotions are in a constant knot. Resentments are like blocks, building upwards over the years. And blocks can only stack so high...
We have a wonderful little ice cream shop in our town. I often make an "event" out of shopping by stopping to get a scoop of my favorite, Cookies n' Cream, and sitting on the bench outside the door to watch the people walk by. I've noticed how much better it tastes than the same exact ice cream out of my freezer at home. I used to think it was a cone vs bowl issue, but now I realize it's because I save ice cream for a treat, a once-in-a-while occasion that keeps it special. I use this same technique for my other weakness, Spicy Doritos. Keeping your own diet downfall out of the kitchen helps keep a lid on your calories. It's hard to resist adding that stuff to your shopping cart, but it's a habit worth developing. If I can, you can; I LOVE my Doritos!
When I get really busy, and I'm not really thirsty, I forget about drinking water. We're really no different from the plants in our yards, though; water helps us flourish. I notice how much perkier the branches are the next day after I've soaked the soil instead of just sprinkling the ground around the roots. Token water only helps is barely survive. As a reminder, consider putting more water in your life this summer. Not only on the inside, but treat your mind and body to its magic more often. The trickling sound of a creek or the lapping of waves soothes your senses. Boating and floating gets you on top of it, while swimming surrounds your body with it's liquid powers. And, ending the day in the tub helps to erase the day, making for a better night's sleep! I had a great idea once when a toddler came to visit. I filled a bucket with water and gave her a paint brush. She sat for the longest time painting designs on my porch.
It dawned on me this Independence Day how dependent I've been... on what others think. After weeding all week in my closet, and after filling my third bag with rejects and seeing what was left, a light bulb went off. See if this fits for you, too. Apparently, I've been dressing myself according to how I looked instead of in what I really liked. So much time trying to juggle what was fashionable, what colors I looked best in, what style covered what I wanted covered and so on. The truth is my favorite clothes are seldom "in". Stores categorize them as activewear. True, I'll always look like I've just been working out, but I'm happiest in those soft, stretchy comfortable fabrics. (Writing a book about comforts should have given me a clue!) Of course, most of us don't have a choice in work clothes, but try looking at your closet through new eyes to test if it ONLY has clothes that "look" right. It might alter your next shopping trip or... eliminate it all together.
I noticed this morning how much farther I could stretch when I closed my eyes and slowed down. Shutting out the room allows you to focus on the muscle you're working on, and slowing down — spending 30 seconds on each one — gets a better stretch. Pausing to hold each little increment of bend for 5 seconds means I can go much farther by the end. I'm not striving for the splits, mind you, but I'm surprised by the progress I've made over the years in keeping my body limber. The same idea applies for any workout. The slower you lift anything, the more it works your muscles (meaning fewer reps); and the more you can concentrate, the easier the lift. Having the kids home for the summer is a great opportunity to get healthy together. Maybe they could join in when you exercise, whatever that may be.
Every year about this time I get slightly jealous of all the tropical cruises, Italian villas and road trips that people talk about. But this summer I've started looking at all the great places close to home that I've ignored because of my vacation daydreaming. (I guess peer pressure works no matter how old you are.) Think about it; a vacation is defined as a period of rest from work, so just staying home qualifies. What a relief to sleep in every morning or read a whole book OR not turn on the computer. Then bank the money you saved on gas!!! If you still want to get away, consider exploring all that surrounds you this summer. No matter where you live there's bound to be something you'd like to see or do within driving distance. A weekend away is great because it avoids all the packing decisions required when you plan to escape for a week or two; day trips are even less trouble, park trips even less than that. AND... you get to sleep in your own bed at night. Yea!
I needed some advice on a health issue lately and referred to a book I had. The information didn't quite sound right until I looked at the publication date. Yikes, 10 years ago. It got me thinking about all the books I've automatically added to my bookcase over the years. Once I read a book, I wedge it into the correct section on the shelf with a promise to myself to re-read it someday. But mostly it just takes up space, looking nice, and providing a convenient surface for dust to collect. I suspect that most households, like mine, count the bookcase as a single piece of furniture rather than a hundred pieces of clutter. You know by now that clutter is my enemy, sooo..... It felt so good to finally cull the shelves, keeping only those books that I'm sure to open again or that I just love too much to part with. Consider getting rid of YOUR dead wood! Filling a box for the thrift shop or library's sale keeps the joy of reading alive; your discards can be somebody else's affordable treasures. AND you won't believe the dust you'll find.
I've been reevaluating the busyness that fills my days lately and realize that my priorities have somehow rearranged themselves. Next month's celebration of Motherhood is just the event to set me straight again, to cut and paste "family" back at the top of my page so I can spend more time with my husband and children. Maybe you're like me and need to consider making the same decision. If possible, and if you still have a relationship with your mom, connect with her on May 13th so she knows for sure you're thinking of her. If you're a mom, celebrate yourself for your most spectacular achievement so far--making another human being or two. Then, do whatever you love to do for the day. If you're a dad, make sure your wife takes a recess from her responsibilities and just plays. Above all, don't let her cook! Getting your consideration will mean the world. Remember that "A Patchwork of Comforts" is a terrific book to give your mom for Mother's Day. It's comforting, entertaining, and will give her some great relaxation ideas to try out.
I can't help it, I have to talk about dance. Ballroom dancing is my passion, and I feel it's my duty to infect you with the bug to boogie. Here's my case: Filling your heart with music and moving your body to the beat will lift your mood... and your life. Moving your body fast enough burn lots of calories. All you have to do is take that first step. Beginning classes are everywhere and probably closer than you'd think. Just a few lessons will give you the confidence you need to join in the fun. Having no partner — I don't — is no excuse because classes usually don't require it. A few classes gets you acquainted with other dancers so you have someone swing with when a public dance rolls around. Waltz, Swing, Salsa, Rumba, Tango, Foxtrot, Two Step... it's all great fun, and easier than you think. A dance instructor of mine says it best, "If you can walk, you can dance."
Darn, I missed my anniversary. I sent my first Comfort Clue on Mar. 12, 2005 and wanted to celebrate these past two years by writing something profound and life-changing. But, as my own brain is rushing to meet a deadline this morning, the only hint I can think of is what would help ME most right now: tricking my brain into thinking it has less to do. Trick: if you can't, or won't, start subtracting obligations from your calendar, then at least try to allow more time for everything you do plan. You won't feel as mentally rushed, and you'll cut down on speeding tickets. I invite you to visit my Comfort Clue archive web page to catch up with two years of "captivating" advice!
Renewal isn't just in the yard where daffodils and crocus start the parade of spring color. Seeing the earth activate always gives me the urge to start fresh inside my home as well. But spring cleaning is more than just dust. Consider extending this urge to your life in general this year. Here are some easy tips to get you thinking about the different parts of your life. Physical: Besides cleaning up house and yard, don't forget your body (e.g. cholesterol, teeth, rest, water, exercise, a new hairdo). Mental: try breaking a bad habit, read instead of TV, start crosswording, take a class. Social: join an organization of interest, invite someone new over for dessert. Spiritual: volunteer, end the day with gratitude, focus more on the things you have instead of what you're missing. Emotional: play more music, worry less, forgive someone, rent more comedies. Good luck.
If you're alive you've experienced loss. Most major changes in life carry with them a loss... basically, of the way things used to be. Besides our loved ones, there are lots of things we develop a deep attachment to over the years -- our health, independence, a great job or house, a meaningful relationship, a pet or a dream. I'd like to once again give you the opportunity to contribute information to my current writing project, a book about what helped people get through their grief. If you've lived through a major loss in the past, tell me specifically what helped you the most in getting back on track. You'll be helping others cope better because I'll be using these ideas in my book. And, if you know someone who has been through some kind of "change" lately -- life altering, heart wrenching, or a temporary blip -- think about how you could brighten their day; they could probably use a little relief from their grief.
Yesterday I discovered that my mom--living alone but forever tidy-- still carefully folds her bedspread down, taking it off every night and putting it on a bench she no longer sits on. In the morning it's back, with perfectly lined-up throw pillows across the top. I didn't have the heart to tell her that years ago I stopped making my bed all together with the thought, "just going to get into it tonight again." When I realized how much my husband and I enjoyed getting into dust-free sheets at night, I compromised to a happy medium that I can live with. We use a simple throw as just another blanket. This way we can just flip it up over the pillows in the morning and don't need to remove anything when we snuggle into bed at night. Comforter in the winter, cotton print when it warms up. Do yourself a favor and simplify your housework.
Here's a hint for a better night's sleep: dim lighting is sooo soothing. You'll be amazed at how the atmosphere changes in the bathroom when you stop using the overhead light. I've been candlelighting it for years, but what I noticed recently is how different my mood is if I keep it lit beyond my bath, for toweling off and getting jammies on. That barely lit bathroom automatically calms me down. So by the time I hit the bed, mind and body are both super relaxed. Candlelight and bath go nicely together, but so could a shower, you know where your body parts are, right? Try a tiny lamp in the bathroom. You might have to tack up a little shelf by the plug, but it's worth it. Right now I have a string of white mini-lights around my mirror, and all I have to do is touch the wire to turn them on. Great bath lighting if candles aren't your thing.
Cooking was the farthest thing from my mind when I started Comfort Clues 2 years ago. Besides being burned out of kitchen work, food advice was not what I had in mind. But I can't resist. Here are two of my favorite inventions that will make your kitchen life easier: one is for leftover fish, the other for those of you kindred souls whose families don't like broccoli. 1) Combine cold cutup fish in a bowl with cooled rice, peas, cashews, and maybe mushrooms, then toss with Balsamic dressing (1/2 c olive oil, 3/8 c rice vinegar, 1/8 c balsamic vinegar, one crushed garlic clove). 2) Steam broccoli for 2 min. then cool. Combine in a bowl with cutup tomatoes, mushrooms and cashews. Toss with the same dressing. Both are cold, like salad, and very yummy. Now, whenever I cook fish I double the amount so we can have this quick fish salad later in the week. Of course, I believe in my heart of hearts that Balsamic dressing goes on everything!
Here's a hint for a better night's sleep: dim lighting is sooo soothing. You'll be amazed at how the atmosphere changes in the bathroom when you stop using the overhead light. I've been candlelighting it for years, but what I noticed recently is how different my mood is if I keep it lit beyond my bath, for toweling off and getting jammies on. That barely lit bathroom automatically calms me down. So by the time I hit the bed, mind and body are both super relaxed. Candlelight and bath go nicely together, but so could a shower, you know where your body parts are, right? Try a tiny lamp in the bathroom. You might have to tack up a little shelf by the plug, but it's worth it. Right now I have a string of white mini-lights around my mirror, and all I have to do is touch the wire to turn them on. Great bath lighting if candles aren't your thing.
It's the end of another Comfort Clue year and I want to thank you for joining those of us who would like to find a better way to go through life. Maybe getting a bit more pleasure out of it. We all need reminders to keep us moving forward, and mine is sitting down every two weeks to conjure up another small change that'll make a positive difference in your existence. This automatic reminder has helped me develop a broader perspective of how I want my own life to go, and I hope my Clues do the same for you. My new-year wish is that you'll try a change or two in '07 that will improve the way you see the world around you.
If your holiday season means more pressure than pleasure, here's a suggestion: move the emphasis off food and your weekend will be filled with more comfort than stress. To those of you expecting family or friends, consider giving up that giant dinner you had planned for Monday... and switching to Sunday is cheating. For years now we've just stocked the frig with cold cuts, homemade soup, dip, salad makings, or anything that can be made or bought ahead. What with present opening, nog nipping and cookie gulping, everyone can choose what and when they want to eat. Nobody minds a "get your own" setup because they can relax and go at their own pace all day........... including you. If you already know this, or if the season is little more than a blip for you already, congratulations! I wish for you a comforting holiday.
"Friends and family" is a familiar phrase, especially after holiday advertising kicks in every year. All those scenes of friends toasting, talking and laughing together. All those relatives happily sipping coffee, exchanging gifts on Christmas morning. But not everyone has family that can or wants to spend time together. Not everyone has friends to share special moments with. TV and magazines make it look like everyone is enjoying these heartfelt moments and memories, but real people often feel very alone. If you know anyone whose spirits seem to going downward this month, or who might have experienced a major loss this year, consider reaching out somehow. I know you're crazy-busy lately, but feeling alone is always magnified when you're literally bulldozed by that "getting together with friends" message. Making their season better will make your season better. And, as always, my favorite holiday message continues to be... SLOW DOWN, BUY LESS.
The landscape is littered with nature's fury. A poetic ending to a whale of a wind that swept through my part of the world this week. As the power outage dragged on, it was heartening to have neighbors that are ready to help no matter what. We had a stove that worked, they had a blazing fireplace. We cooked dinner together by flashlight then hauled it over in the rain to eat by firelight. The comedy was in the cheering -- 8 (4 households) people yelling in unison as the power clicked on. The comfort was in knowing that coming together takes the sting out of any hectic situation. Feeling alone magnifies everything. If you've never met your neighbors, consider getting to know them, even slightly, so you can at least help each other. Pooling brain power and muscles always works, whether it's moving a heavy couch, watching for mischief, borrowing a missing ingredient, or sharing your fire when the heat goes off.
In light of the coming National Day of Eating (a.k.a. Thanksgiving) I'm passing on a hint that a Feng Shui consultant gave me once. Kitchens are seldom built out-of-the-way; often we have to walk by them to get to other parts of the house as they suck us in with the promise of satisfying any cravings or mental hunger we're grappling with at the time. If you're watching your calories and can't avoid passing the kitchen every time you walk into the house, try hanging a piece of vivid art work before you get to the kitchen. It will deflect your attention long enough for you can get past the food room. Planting a distraction might sound silly, but it can actually help you from being lured in every time, whether you're hungry or not. Just a helpful thought in preparation for what's ahead. After this, I promise, no more food talk.
I'm resisting the urge to write about something connected to the holidays; you'll be saturated soon enough. However, this IS a good time of year to practice "being yourself". This may sound odd, but more and more I realize how much in life we do just for show. Even my sample list is long: decorating our homes just for company, making sure our outfits match when we leave the house, never letting anyone see us without lipstick, stifling our tears when we feel sad, being polite at all costs... or buying too many gifts for our children at Christmas. Maybe we're afraid people wouldn't like us if they knew how we "really were". Anyway, this season is easy for me. I don't like kitchen work and have decided a while back to stop all that mandatory baking. Think about what you do that you really don't want to be doing and consider a change of your own. Even a mental change will alter the way you see the world.
Last weekend we ventured into the city to have breakfast with the kids. Once we were seated, it was fabulous. But getting there and back always puts our teeth on edge. The bumper-to-bumper, the fumes, the driving cell phones, and the sour faces all reminded me of how lucky I am to be living in a small rural community. As we drive off the ferry onto our wonderful island, I can actually hear my husband's sigh. It was at that moment that I knew what my next clue would be: commuting. For all of you trapped in that daily freeway stressor, I suggest replacing the cd's you normally play with something else: comedy. Your local library has tapes, and a good laugh always eases tension. This great idea was passed on to me by Sherry, who's on the Clue mailing list. If you have any ideas you'd like to contribute, please feel free to send them to me.
If the only purpose today serves is to get you through 'til tomorrow, consider this. If you're buried in obligations, if all your time is spent on must-do's and should-do's, where is there time left over for what's important to YOU? Personally, I'm very familiar with this autopilot existence and have worked to combat it for years. It's hard. But if you set aside a little time slot to "evaluate", you might be surprised by your own life. Maybe it's right on. But then again, maybe it's way off of where you hoped it would be. Just an hour of thinking time every once in a while will help you point your lifestyle in a better direction. Hopefully, a calmer and more satisfying one. Ironically, though I hate to say it, adding this "me" time to your calendar might be the only way to make sure you do it! Just pretend it's a hair cut or a massage, and pencil it in.
Setting different moods in your home may surprise you. I know it's hard to think this is important if you're rushed or sad or don't want to bother — buying flowers seems impossible unless you're in a good mood to begin with — but It just may change the way you see the world tomorrow, when you come into the kitchen for coffee. Change wakes up brain cells! One thing I've done over the years is collect tablecloths. It's an easy way to change the look of the whole room, and has helped perk up the darkest of moods. Right now I'm looking for an autumn cloth to help me get over the end of summer and ready for a colder, cozier kind of mood. I once had a friend, Suzi, who had four bedspreads that she rotated around with the seasons. At first I thought she was crazy, but I must admit she was the one of the happiest friends I'd ever had. And her moods always rubbed off!
Playtime is just about over. Some of you will celebrate getting your kids back in school, while others (like me) sadly mourn the inevitable end of sandal weather. Even though I no longer have children in the house, the mental habit remains; squeeze one last "fun" in before the lazy season's over, and life busies up. Here's a practical hint: Instead of waiting until Labor Day weekend for this last ditch effort, consider doing that special something this coming weekend instead. Then on Labor Day, do the opposite; lay around the house relaxing, goofing off, and thinking about the hoards of humanity fighting for campsites, sandsites, motel rooms, and their little piece of the freeway. Comfort levels will zoom.
I'd forgotten until recently how much music affects my mood. I'm not sure whether it's just a distraction from the stress, or that the music itself calms me down. I do know that the tension, which had snowballed recently, was broken, and I felt calmer after only 15 min. My habit of listening to music to start the day has been overshadowed lately by the wad of accumulated obligations that my brain has taken on. Tolerance is tiny ever since I shifted my life down to second gear. Consider putting more music in your life. Whether you need loud and pounding (helps with dishes), soft and trickling (great for tea break), or the lilt of Mozart, music has the ability to turn us around. Music: mood maker... mood breaker.
Webster defines it as "a large, thicker, or bottom end of something". I define it as the most valuable muscle in my body. If you don't exercise at all, start with one thing — your butt. You might be laughing at this weird Comfort Clue, but I'm serious. I used to think it was just something to sit with, but no; every physical activity we do seems to be connected to our backside, so just about everything is easier with a stronger one. (It will especially make walking easier.) So..... I challenge you to flex the flab and build your butt. You can even do it stealth-like, sitting in a chair and secretly clenching this biggest muscle in your body. It'll give you something fun to focus on every day that'll be a mini-respite from whatever life has thrown at you lately. Besides, you'll look better in your jeans.
If you constantly put off walking because it's just simpler not to, consider trying to recruit a walking partner. Having an outside commitment helps to get you moving as well as making the uphills easier — talking distracts from the pain. I notice a definite difference in motivation when my neighborhood partner flakes out on me. I walk a bit slower, and seem more spent on the days that I end up walking alone. I'd swear my mouth is directly connected to my feet because the faster my lips flap, the faster my feet move. Timing can be a problem, though; everyone walks at their own pace, and we all have to choose a different time of day to do it. (I suppose it would be crazy to walk in Phoenix after noon in July) But if you can get beyond the glitches to work out a deal with a fellow walker, your lifestyle will take an easier upward turn.
It's absurd that we have to "work" at simplifying our lives. The stack of paperwork gets higher every day, and stuff seems to breed overnight. Here's my latest strategy for making a dent in the accumulation. If I wear something that isn't quite right — too tight, too loose, wrong color, etc — I DO NOT put it back in the closet. I take it off, and put it in a bag to donate to the local thrift store. I realize now that the secret is to have a bag permanently stationed in the corner of the room as a constant reminder. After looking at it every day for a month now, the habit of evaluating my stuff — love it, use it, or lose it — is finally sinking in. Shedding extras feels fabulous. It not only frees up your living space, but helps to unjumble your brain, which is very comforting. Besides, the distraction helps you temporarily escape from any mental stress you might be having at the moment. You get to help the thrift store, the shoppers (I am one), and your household all at once. Don't you just love win-win situations?
Be kind to yourself. I've been giving out tidbits for improving your lifestyle for over a year now and realize that most of them involve taking some kind of action or making a decision. This time I suggest you DO nothing. Pick a day to do absolutely nothing except what you want to do. Just hang out... with no responsibility for anything or anyone. Have everyone in your household do the same, then take turns. Everyone deserves a day to vege out and take a rest from their scheduled lives. Mark it on the calendar in red and make a very big deal of it. It might turn into a habit you'll want to "schedule" into your lives!
Piggybacking my last Clue... now that you've made a teeny dent in converting your living space to more of a sanctuary, you could go a step further and plan a summer vacation at home for a change. Personally, we've been thinking about this lately because money is tight, but here's another brilliant reason for "going nowhere" -- getting to know your neighbors. Block parties were something people used to do back in the day when money and options were more scarce. Here's my case for a comeback. Besides great fun, your neighborhood will be safer; people take notice more when they get to know each other. If you're not paying attention to what's already around you, you could be missing an easy opportunity for friendship, help, and something fun to do on a Sunday afternoon. I've lived in quite a few neighborhoods and know first hand how comforting it is to have someone close by in case you need a hand or last minute cooking ingredient. And... you don't have to drive home after sharing margaritas! I realize not everyone lives in a friendly neighborhood or apartment building, but it's an idea that might be possible for some of you.
Memorial Day is often a time when you want to take off for some R&R; you've worked hard, you deserve it. The trouble with this is... everyone else is thinking the same. I know this because I now live in a tourist destination. Planning getaways on non-holidays isn't always possible, but here's a thought. Maybe if we spent more time fixing up our homes as sanctuaries and working toward living a calmer life, we wouldn't feel the need to escape as often. This is tougher when you're raising small children, but making even a little dent will make a difference. What if next weekend you started by evaluating your living environment. Maybe create a little sitting place in the yard... if you have one. Maybe carve out a personal niche in the house, or plan a picnic in a nearby park. Last Sunday we had breakfast for the first time in the backyard, and it started the day off very upbeat. And STARTING on a positive note works wonders.
To all the mothers on my mailing list, Happy Birth Day. Where would the world be without us! Have a great day!
Loss is something we all have in common. We've been adjusting to it all our lives, ever since we had to give up that warm cozy place inside Mom. Most major changes in life carry with them a loss... of the way it used to be... of the person we used to have in our lives. I've been wondering lately whether it would help all of us accept our losses better if we used the word "change" instead. Just saying the words to myself right now felt different in my brain. If you know someone (maybe yourself) who is down these days, they might have been through some kind of "change" lately -- life altering, heart wrenching, or a temporary blip. Think about brightening their life... with a bouquet of spring flowers or, my favorite, a greeting card that will FORCE them to laugh. This might seem frivolous in light of a devastating loss that you can't imagine ever surmounting, but a little relief might help, and is probably the farthest thing from their minds right now.
This week I stray from my usual subject matter and digress to a very practical one: damaged skin. After what seems like a lifetime of doing dishes, my hands have finally spoken. Damage is evident. Ugliness is evident. It's a little late for sure, but I say, never say never. I finally woke up and started using rubber gloves this month. At first I didn't like NOT being able to feel. But soon I was kicking myself for not doing it in my 20's. The pluses of this simple change turned out to be more significant than I imagined. Besides protecting my hands from the ravages of detergent, I can grip everything better, and use hotter water. This might seem like a dopey Comfort Clue but... how many hours are YOU going to spend in dish water over the next 30 years. I'm guessing you want your hands to age as gracefully as the rest of you.
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Author: Carol Wiseman
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July 8, 2010
